{"id":1058916,"date":"2026-07-17T13:18:06","date_gmt":"2026-07-17T10:18:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/shtetel.co.il\/?p=1058916"},"modified":"2026-07-17T13:18:08","modified_gmt":"2026-07-17T10:18:08","slug":"%d7%94%d7%91%d7%9f-%d7%99%d7%a7%d7%99%d7%a8-%d7%9c%d7%99-%d7%9e%d7%95%d7%a8%d7%93-%d7%94%d7%90%d7%9d-%d7%9b%d7%a9%d7%94%d7%99%d7%9c%d7%93-%d7%a0%d7%95%d7%98%d7%a9-%d7%90%d7%aa-%d7%94%d7%93%d7%a8","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shtetel.co.il\/en\/news\/1058916\/","title":{"rendered":"'&#039;My dear son&#039; rebels: When the child abandons the path, should we lock the door?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>The sky collapses one clear day, when the secret is revealed and the child turns his back on everything that is sacred to us: the shame burns, the fear of matchmaking paralyzes, and the primal instinct cries out to amputate the affected limb to save the body \u2022 But is cruel severance truly a defense of the home or is it a psychological error that will cost us eternal loss? \u2022 Rabbi Ami Baram in a special article<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The day that ultra-Orthodox parents discover that their child has left the road is not another day. It is a day when the earth opens up, and the house, the one they worked so hard to fortify with tears from the street winds, cracks from within. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It often begins with a laconic letter lying on the kitchen table, or a colorful shirt replacing the white one. At that moment, the parents are thrown into a vortex of \"living grief.\" They mourn a child who breathes and walks in the world, but has chosen to erase his identity, his tradition, and his spiritual future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The initial, natural and most painful reaction is simply denial. Many parents try to convince themselves that this is a passing &quot;foolish spirit.&quot; But when reality slaps them in the face with force, denial is replaced by silent rage. Social shame hits them hard. The deep fear of the consequences of the matchmaking on the other children creates existential anxiety. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In this situation, the father or mother may adopt a halachic rationalization, seeking to &quot;expell the illegitimate child&quot; as a quick solution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But this is precisely where the most destructive psychological trap lies. A child who leaves the question is not necessarily acting out of ungrateful &quot;betrayal,&quot; even if his behavior is experienced as a stinging insult. In many cases, his leaving is the result of deep dissonance, incompatibility, or a process of distress that he is at his wit&#039;s end to contain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When parents respond with aggressive detachment, they are effectively giving the child the ultimate justification for running away. They are turning the home into a conditional place, where love is measured solely by the length of the suit or adherence to the rules.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the middle, there are always the brothers and sisters. Parents tend to think that ostracizing the wayward child will form an educational &quot;firewall&quot; that will protect the rest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This is a dangerous optical illusion. Children closely observe how their parents behave in times of crisis. When they see parental love replaced by cruelty overnight, their basic sense of security is shaken. They learn that parental love is conditional. Stable love for an errant sibling, while maintaining the rules of the house, projects a strong personal strength to children that is fearless in the face of a critical society. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The children at home need to know that they are protected not by walls of fear and emotional violence, but by a deep inner truth that is not threatened by those who have chosen to err. Only in this way can they too develop a healthy religious identity, one that is not based on a paralyzing fear of abandonment, but on an authentic and courageous connection with the Creator of the world. This is our true, sincere, and most important duty to them every day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Creating a healthy family &quot;separateness&quot; means understanding that the child is a completely separate entity. His choices are not a certificate of parental failure. Parents who invested, cried, and gave their lives for education are not to blame. Self-flagellation is a systemic poison; it consumes the energies needed to maintain the home, and prevents the construction of a future bridge to the child. We must look for paths, not blame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The exact image of our situation is not a surgeon cutting off a burning limb, but a lighthouse on a stormy night. When a ship is drifting into dangerous waves, the lighthouse keeper does not turn off the light in anger because the ship has strayed from its safe course. On the contrary, he ensures that the light always burns with double intensity. We must set clear boundaries for maintaining Halacha within the walls of the home, for this is our sacred space. However, outside it, with respect to the soul of the child, a protected space must remain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The clinical experience in &#039;Connection&#039; - a roots project for the Haredi sector, proves time and again that a door slammed in a boy&#039;s face locks his heart forever. In contrast, an open door, along with a silent message that says &quot;You are my son, my love, and my heart is always open for you&quot; - leaves a substantial opening for an answer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The young boy who goes outside will very quickly discover the cold and alienation that lurks on the street. The crucial question is, when he freezes out there, will he remember that he has a father and mother with a warm and accepting home to which he can return, or will he be engraved in his scarred soul only the cold and accusing gaze that severely hurt him, rejected his existence, and banished him from there forever?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-small-font-size\"><strong>\u2022 Rabbi Ami Baram is the founder and CEO of the association &#039;Connection - Believers Together&#039;.<\/strong><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u05d4\u05e9\u05de\u05d9\u05d9\u05dd \u05e7\u05d5\u05e8\u05e1\u05d9\u05dd \u05d1\u05d9\u05d5\u05dd \u05d1\u05d4\u05d9\u05e8 \u05d0\u05d7\u05d3, \u05db\u05e9\u05d4\u05e1\u05d5\u05d3 \u05e0\u05d7\u05e9\u05e3 \u05d5\u05d4\u05d9\u05dc\u05d3 \u05de\u05e4\u05e0\u05d4 \u05e2\u05d5\u05e8\u05e3 \u05dc\u05db\u05dc \u05de\u05d4 \u05e9\u05e7\u05d3\u05d5\u05e9 \u05dc\u05e0\u05d5: \u05d4\u05d1\u05d5\u05e9\u05d4 \u05e9\u05d5\u05e8\u05e4\u05ea, \u05e4\u05d7\u05d3 \u05d4\u05e9\u05d9\u05d3\u05d5\u05db\u05d9\u05dd \u05de\u05e9\u05ea\u05e7, \u05d5\u05d4\u05d0\u05d9\u05e0\u05e1\u05d8\u05d9\u05e0\u05e7\u05d8 \u05d4\u05e8\u05d0\u05e9\u05d5\u05e0\u05d9 \u05d6\u05d5\u05e2\u05e7 \u05dc\u05db\u05e8\u05d5\u05ea \u05d0\u05ea \u05d4\u05d0\u05d9\u05d1\u05e8 \u05d4\u05e0\u05d2\u05d5\u05e2 \u05db\u05d3\u05d9 \u05dc\u05d4\u05e6\u05d9\u05dc \u05d0\u05ea \u05d4\u05d2\u05d5\u05e3 \u2022 \u05d0\u05da \u05d4\u05d0\u05dd \u05e0\u05d9\u05ea\u05d5\u05e7 \u05d0\u05db\u05d6\u05e8\u05d9 \u05d4\u05d5\u05d0 \u05d0\u05db\u05df \u05d4\u05d2\u05e0\u05d4 \u05e2\u05dc \u05d4\u05d1\u05d9\u05ea \u05d0\u05d5 \u05e9\u05de\u05d0 \u05e9\u05d2\u05d9\u05d0\u05d4 \u05e4\u05e1\u05d9\u05db\u05d5\u05dc\u05d5\u05d2\u05d9\u05ea \u05e9\u05ea\u05e2\u05dc\u05d4 \u05dc\u05e0\u05d5 \u05d1\u05d0\u05d5\u05d1\u05d3\u05df \u05e0\u05e6\u05d7\u05d9? \u2022 \u05d4\u05e8\u05d1 \u05e2\u05de\u05d9 \u05d1\u05e8\u05e2\u05dd \u05d1\u05de\u05d0\u05de\u05e8 \u05de\u05d9\u05d5\u05d7\u05d3 \u05d4\u05d9\u05d5\u05dd [&hellip;]","protected":false},"author":47,"featured_media":1058917,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[96],"tags":[55109,65937],"class_list":["post-1058916","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-96","tag-55109","tag-65937"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>&#039;\u05d4\u05d1\u05df \u05d9\u05e7\u05d9\u05e8 \u05dc\u05d9&#039; \u05de\u05d5\u05e8\u05d3: \u05d4\u05d0\u05dd \u05db\u05e9\u05d4\u05d9\u05dc\u05d3 \u05e0\u05d5\u05d8\u05e9 \u05d0\u05ea \u05d4\u05d3\u05e8\u05da, \u05e2\u05dc\u05d9\u05e0\u05d5 \u05dc\u05e0\u05e2\u05d5\u05dc \u05d0\u05ea \u05d4\u05d3\u05dc\u05ea? 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