{"id":1057449,"date":"2026-07-03T15:09:39","date_gmt":"2026-07-03T12:09:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/shtetel.co.il\/?p=1057449"},"modified":"2026-07-03T15:09:40","modified_gmt":"2026-07-03T12:09:40","slug":"%d7%94%d7%9b%d7%90%d7%91-%d7%a9%d7%9c-%d7%9b%d7%99%d7%a1%d7%90-%d7%a8%d7%99%d7%a7-%d7%91%d7%a9%d7%95%d7%9c%d7%97%d7%9f-%d7%a9%d7%91%d7%aa-%d7%90%d7%99%d7%9a-%d7%a0%d7%a9%d7%90%d7%99%d7%a8-%d7%93","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shtetel.co.il\/en\/news\/1057449\/","title":{"rendered":"The pain of an empty chair at the Shabbat table: How do we leave a door open when a child chooses a different path?"},"content":{"rendered":"

The silent 'mourning' that has no comforters, and the image of the harbor and the boat: Why is giving up power struggles, and maintaining the bond in the thick of love - not a halachic compromise, but a profound educational position and the only chance to light the way back home? \u2022 Rabbi Ami Baram, director of 'Connection', in a column that will teach you how to cope<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the Jewish journey of life, the bond between parents and children is considered the cornerstone of existence. "Honoring father and mother" and, conversely, the father's mercy for his children, are not just commandments, but a spiritual nature embedded in each of us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, in our generation we are witnessing a painful experience and a blood-curdling phenomenon familiar to parents who find themselves in states of disconnection and rupture, alienation and silence in the face of a child who has changed his ways and abandoned the path of the Torah and the mitzvot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This pain, it turns out, is not just the preserve of the courts or educational consultants. It is a silent pain that hides within the walls of many homes, where one chair remains empty at the Shabbat table - not because of physical distance, but because of distance in the heart. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

From in-depth acquaintance with many families, we can say with certainty that behind every case of separation lies a human story of longing and hope, but also of tremendous difficulty in containing the shattering of a parental dream.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the key insights that emerges in the counseling rooms is the concept known as "blocked grief" (or vague loss). A parent whose son or daughter has decided to leave the path and cut off contact experiences a truly profound grief, but this is grief that has no comforters. The child is alive, he exists, perhaps even seen at family celebrations or on the street, but the connection with him is dead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The lack of legitimacy or the ability to mourn a living person, along with the nagging questions of "what will they say" and "where did we go wrong," create an emotional suffocation that can erupt and harm the body and mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The harbor and the boat: a lighthouse of love<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do you cope? How do you keep the house and not lose the child forever?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One can think of the image of the "port and the boat." The parent's role is to be a port. A safe, stable, and equipped port, from which the boats - the children - depart into the heart of the sea of \u200b\u200blife. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The tragedy begins when the boat drifts away into foreign lands, and the parent, out of immense worry, fear, and pain, tries to go out to sea himself to forcefully pull it back in. These attempts, which sometimes involve anger, pressure, and ultimatums, only create higher waves, convey a lack of acceptance to the child, and push the boat further away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The main message for parents going through this difficult time is: return to the harbor. You must make sure that your harbor is vital, full of life, bright and stable. A parent who ruins his life as a punishment for a child, or sinks into despair, destroys the child's only chance of returning one day. The lighthouse of the harbor must remain lit - those small gestures, a short message on Shabbat Eve, a sign of love that does not demand anything in return and does not try to manipulate or preach morality. This is the "lighthouse" that signals to the child: "I am here, the door is open whenever you want, and we love you with a love that does not depend on anything.".<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This approach is not a modern psychological invention, but rather rests on the foundations of the Torah. The Chazon Ish zt"l already outlined the path in relation to those who are distant in our day, that they should not be rejected but rather "brought near with the thickets of love," and emphasized that one should not push with both hands, but rather reject with the left and bring near with the right. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In our generation, Maran HaGrei Edelstein, zt"l, has repeatedly instructed struggling parents to give these children "respect and friendship," to bring them closer, and not to strike them in a way that creates a disconnect, with the understanding that only a bond of love and acceptance may save them from more serious spiritual and mental deterioration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Separation: The child as a deposit<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A sensitive point that many parents face is the issue of finances and support. In many cases, the only remaining connection between the distant child and his family is expressed in financial help. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parents sometimes feel exploited and tend to cut off this channel. But if we look at it through the "lighthouse" lens, sometimes it is the last thin rope left. As long as this is done out of a conscious choice on the part of the parent (and not, God forbid, out of submission to abusive blackmail), warm parental love can be poured into technical support, too, in order to preserve a basic human connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the end of the day, the greatest moral work required of a parent in this situation is to understand the concept of "separateness." We must internalize that the child is a trust entrusted to us. Even if we raised him with dedication, blood, and sweat, he has his own free choice. The thought that "our personal identity depends on the level of Haredi our children are" creates tremendous pressure, which leads the home to a war zone. The child must know that our love for him as parents is similar to God's love for Israel - "Even though he has sinned, he is Israel.".<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The path to restoring the relationship goes through giving up the desire to be right at all costs, for the sake of life itself and for the sake of the child's soul. Inclusion and acceptance of the child does not mean that we agree with his sins or legitimize his actions; it means that the parental relationship comes first. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is hard, painful, and arduous inner work, but it is the only one that guarantees that on the day the "boat" decides to return from the stormy sea to the shore - she will find in front of her a lighthouse of faith, a waiting harbor, and a father and mother who labored with their hearts so that they could welcome her home with love.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u05d4'\u05d0\u05d1\u05dc' \u05d4\u05e9\u05e7\u05d8 \u05e9\u05d0\u05d9\u05df \u05dc\u05d5 \u05de\u05e0\u05d7\u05de\u05d9\u05dd, \u05d5\u05d3\u05d9\u05de\u05d5\u05d9 \u05d4\u05e0\u05de\u05dc \u05d5\u05d4\u05e1\u05d9\u05e8\u05d4: \u05de\u05d3\u05d5\u05e2 \u05d5\u05d9\u05ea\u05d5\u05e8 \u05e2\u05dc \u05de\u05d0\u05d1\u05e7\u05d9 \u05db\u05d5\u05d7, \u05d5\u05d4\u05d7\u05d6\u05e7\u05ea \u05d4\u05e7\u05e9\u05e8 \u05d1\u05e2\u05d1\u05d5\u05ea\u05d5\u05ea \u05e9\u05dc \u05d0\u05d4\u05d1\u05d4 - \u05d4\u05dd \u05dc\u05d0 \u05e4\u05e9\u05e8\u05d4 \u05d4\u05dc\u05db\u05ea\u05d9\u05ea, \u05d0\u05dc\u05d0 \u05e2\u05de\u05d3\u05d4 \u05d7\u05d9\u05e0\u05d5\u05db\u05d9\u05ea \u05e2\u05de\u05d5\u05e7\u05d4 \u05d5\u05d4\u05e1\u05d9\u05db\u05d5\u05d9 \u05d4\u05d9\u05d7\u05d9\u05d3 \u05dc\u05d4\u05d0\u05d9\u05e8 \u05d0\u05ea \u05d4\u05d3\u05e8\u05da \u05d7\u05d6\u05e8\u05d4 \u05d4\u05d1\u05d9\u05ea\u05d4? \u2022 \u05d4\u05e8\u05d1 \u05e2\u05de\u05d9 \u05d1\u05e8\u05e2\u05dd, \u05de\u05e0\u05d4\u05dc '\u05d4\u05ea\u05e7\u05e9\u05e8\u05d5\u05ea', \u05d1\u05d8\u05d5\u05e8 \u05e9\u05d9\u05dc\u05de\u05d3 \u05d0\u05ea\u05db\u05dd \u05d0\u05d9\u05da \u05de\u05ea\u05de\u05d5\u05d3\u05d3\u05d9\u05dd \u05d1\u05de\u05e1\u05e2 \u05d4\u05d7\u05d9\u05d9\u05dd \u05d4\u05d9\u05d4\u05d5\u05d3\u05d9, \u05d4\u05e7\u05e9\u05e8 \u05d1\u05d9\u05df \u05d4\u05d5\u05e8\u05d9\u05dd \u05dc\u05d9\u05dc\u05d3\u05d9\u05dd \u05e0\u05d7\u05e9\u05d1 \u05dc\u05d0\u05d1\u05df \u05d4\u05d9\u05e1\u05d5\u05d3 […]","protected":false},"author":47,"featured_media":1057450,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[96],"tags":[55109,65764,65765],"class_list":["post-1057449","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-96","tag-55109","tag-65764","tag-65765"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n\u05d4\u05db\u05d0\u05d1 \u05e9\u05dc \u05db\u05d9\u05e1\u05d0 \u05e8\u05d9\u05e7 \u05d1\u05e9\u05d5\u05dc\u05d7\u05df \u05e9\u05d1\u05ea: \u05d0\u05d9\u05da \u05e0\u05e9\u05d0\u05d9\u05e8 \u05d3\u05dc\u05ea \u05e4\u05ea\u05d5\u05d7\u05d4 \u05db\u05e9\u05d9\u05dc\u05d3 \u05d1\u05d5\u05d7\u05e8 \u05d1\u05d3\u05e8\u05da \u05d0\u05d7\u05e8\u05ea? 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