I've seen families torn apart over a commitment the parents couldn't keep, and no apartment in the world is worth that. • The parents don't owe you anything, and those who turn this sentence around benefit twice: a complete family, and as it turns out in reality - an apartment too • Real estate consultant Yaakov Reinitz on the miraculous divine help of the couples who gave up an apartment from their parents
Over a decade ago, I met a friend who had purchased a large apartment in a central Haredi city - and the conversation turned to the story of how he managed to get there.
After the wedding, he was supposed to receive $120,000 from each side - so they'll still price in dollars - and buy an apartment in Bnei Brak. In fact, between the engagement and the wedding, his father-in-law went bankrupt. Because of this, the groom's father announced: If your father-in-law doesn't give, neither will I.
The young couple, out of no choice, moved to a rented apartment in the outskirts. There was no shortage of "good souls" around who tried to argue: demand, fight, you deserve it. But the couple made one decision: their parents don't owe us anything.
Without wars and without disconnection, they set out on their own. Later, they purchased an apartment in the outskirts for living, then another, and another. 4 apartments.
After 15 years, when everything was clean without a single shekel of mortgage, they sold the investment apartments and purchased the residential apartment in the central city.
When we met, he had already married off some of the children, and given each one 800,000 shekels, without any debts. And he attributes everything to that decision: not to stress the parents, not to quarrel with them over the promise.
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Where did the practice of parents buying apartments for their children come from?
You'll be surprised: from annuities. Our grandparents received annuities from Germany, put aside a respectable amount every month, and the money was channeled to the children's apartments, which were relatively cheap at the time. Among members of the Eastern Jewish community, who did not receive annuities, this practice does not exist at all.
But three generations have passed since then: apartments have become several times more expensive, rents have been wiped out, and the third generation can no longer stand it.
The custom remains. The soil on which it grew has disappeared.
And how does each community deal with this gap? The Hasidic community has adapted to reality: they give what they have - and that's it.
In the Lithuanian public, the picture is more complex. The bride's side still commits to significantly higher amounts, but unlike in the past, these amounts no longer bring the couple their own apartment.
And if you still buy? The commitment entails a high mortgage, and the mortgage requires a serious monthly repayment. And hence the short path to the phenomenon we all see around us: the rising demand for high-tech studies among women. The monthly repayment is what determines the course of study today.
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And there are parents who don't give anything, because they simply don't have it.
Ostensibly, their children are supposed to feel lost. And in reality? I've been following these young people for years, and I can see how they are coping with the amazing help of God. In some inspiring cases, it is the young couple who informed the parents on their own initiative: We give up, we'll manage, thank you.
And what happens then? They step out of their comfort zone - and that's an engine worth more than any equity.
Suddenly the young man says yes to an offer to study with a guy in the evening for a fee; the woman says yes to a more rewarding job, even at the cost of an extra twenty minutes of travel each way; and above all, they see a divine help above the path of nature.
In reality, those who started with nothing outdo their counterparts who started with everything. And when they get to marry their children, they have more to give.
After lectures in which I raise this topic - including in the current "Bein Zhamin", students come up to me and share: We didn't receive a shekel, and we bought an apartment. And you can see the happiness in their eyes. It's the happiness of someone who built it with their own hands.
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And sometimes the picture is the opposite: someone who received a ready-made apartment sinks into their comfort zone, their income doesn't grow, and they groan at their children's weddings. The clean apartment didn't bring them down. The comfort it created did.
So in fact there are two sides: If your parents give - take, and don't get into their considerations. Just treat money as an engine and not a cushion, that it will advance you and not drag you down.
But if they don't have it, or you see that it's difficult for them, get ahead of them: We give up, we'll manage. This sentence frees the parents and turns on the most powerful engine there is: getting out of the comfort zone.
I've seen families torn apart over a commitment that the parents couldn't keep, and no apartment in the world is worth it. The parents don't owe you anything. And those who ignore this sentence benefit twice: an entire family, and as it turns out in reality, an apartment too.
• Yaakov Reinitz is a real estate consultant and lecturer. To schedule a consultation - Click here
